Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days