Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”