Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra