Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!