Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
White Castle for the Win
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
are they though??
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes