Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[eulogy]
line?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Fight
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana