Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”