dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.