Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You Might Also Like
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
what the
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.