Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
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Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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Me *swallows pride*
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wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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No One:
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I know he means well.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.