Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.