Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”