Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.