Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.