Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”