Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon