Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
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Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
thinking about a very short hotdog
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…