Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.