Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You Might Also Like
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?