Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Wait a second…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
What’s a Messi?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.