Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.