Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”