“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real