Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.