Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
i really liked this one
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.