Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
meow
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.