Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.