Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help