Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me