Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You Might Also Like
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
me refusing to leave twitter
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news