@soyourelikethat
@david8hughes [first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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@david8hughes [hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
@longwall26 I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
@MsTexas1967 They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
@DevilryFun My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
@ArfMeasures ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
@Thynebear “I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
@cat_elg i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
@mrjohndarby [arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
@Harbinger_one Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.