Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.

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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up


[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier


I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.


They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed


My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.


ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog


“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers


i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now


[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?


Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.