Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids