Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I see your IQ test came back negative
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”