Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
This will never not be funny to me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.