Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
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If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.