Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real