Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.