dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.