Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no