Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
This is amazing.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.