Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.