Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.