Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I thought this was funny lol
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.