Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.


*pulls out earbud*
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way


wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying


the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation


FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right


ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim


I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.


*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*


Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate