@reczit

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@achewave

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

@jonnysun

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@sa1martha

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate