Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like