Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.