Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved