Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
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Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
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God has left this place
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*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones