Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I can’t stop watching this.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?