Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Breaking news:
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Need WebMD
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*