Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.