DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one