Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please