Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
s
oc
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers