Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.