dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.